THE DITCH WAS A BITCH

http://www.movescount.com/moves/move56085717untitled
Note to self, never go to the Grand Canyon on a Saturday, let alone on a perfect spring day, with high temps of 64 degrees, it is so dam crowed, it is like going to Disney Land if Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse were getting married, not that there is anything wrong with that. I decided to go to the canyon and run down to Phantom Ranch and back, about a 20 mile run. About two weeks earlier I had a pinched nerve in my left leg, this happened for the first time about three and a half years ago, at that time I had no idea what it was, had an MRI done, and found out it was a sciatic nerve, I was given a steroid pack, and have been pain free since, two weeks ago it came back, it is really painful, it is hard to walk or just plain stand at times, at least this time I knew what it was, so I went to my doctor, who I have been to one other time, went to the front desk and the receptionist asked me who my doctor was, I told her it was a women, but I could not remember her name, she said no problem, she asked me my name and birthdate, she was typing away at the computer, and told me his name was, so I interrupted her and said it was a women, again, I had only meat her once, and forgot her name, I apologized for not knowing her name, then the receptionist told me she was a he, I went what, she,s on second , he,s on second, I was kind in shock, face it you just don’t hear that every day, the receptionist told me to have a seat , and a nurse will be out shortly, so I went and sat down, picked up a magazine to look at, was not really reading the magazine was still processing what I just heard, I guess the thing I was most worried about was getting double billed, one bill from her and one bill from him, that would really be wrong, luckly she ,he, it, whatever was not in today, so I got another women doctor, ok, i will be honest, I am 99% sure it’s a women, I don’t think I will ever be 100% sure of anything in my life again. So I meet my new doctor, and she prescribed the same steroid pack I had before, you take these pills for six days, and a few days after taking them, I was feeling pretty pain free, so I went out for a 5 to 6 mile run and felt pretty good, so I checked the weather report for the Grand Canyon, the forecast was for sunny skies and highs of about 64 degrees, so I decided to go. I left on Fri. about 10:30 , it is about a five hour drive, people in Arizona call it a 2 plus hour drive, I think the average speed driving thru Arizona is about 90 mph, anyway , I got to the canyon and got a campsite, set up my tent, and went to get some dinner, the restaurant I usually go to was closed, it looked like it was being remoulded, they have the best meatball sandwich, which I was looking forward to, so I tried a new place, a cowboy steakhouse a couple doors down, it was really bad, the food sucked and the service sucked even more so,25$ for a horrible steak, some Mexicans with cowboy hats and boots, they included the tip with the bill, I guess that’s the only way they can get a tip, I sure as hell was not going to leave them a penny. After that awesome dinner I went back to my campsite, and tried to go to bed early, about 8:00 pm, this was not to be, the people at the next campsite, maybe 50 feet away, there were two women and a guy, these women would talk none stop, it seems they were both talking at the same time, I don’t know how they even breathed, this went on for hours , these woman were the 1972 East German woman swim team of talking, it was incredible, finally sometime 10:00 or so they stopped, and went to sleep, oh ya, on the other side of me was a family with screaming babies, a true wilderness experience. So I got up with the sunrise, and went and got a doughnut and milk, and drove over to Bright Angle Trailhead, started down the trail about 7:30 or so, the top half mile was icy and pretty slippery, never saw ice on the trail before, this was the first time I have been there in the spring, I think this was my sixth time running the canyon, first time I saw ice, have always been there in the fall. After the first half mile or so the ice dispated and there was just dirt, seemed more ruted then normal. Got down to Indian Gardens, it is about 4.5 miles down, stopped briefly to get some water, and proceeded down to the river, about a mile or so past Indian Gardens I started seeing a lot of runners, usually I will see two or three other people running, today I probably saw fifty people out there running, so I stopped and talked to this girl who was running, she told me there was a group of runners from Durango, I told her I was from Durango, I guess I did not get the memo, and a group from Boston. That explains the 50 or so runners, a group of Massholes and a group of Assholes.
So I proceeded down to the river, about a half mile or so before the bridge over the Colorado river, there is a long uphill with really fine sand, very tough to run, but I was feeling pretty good today ,so I was running up, hallway up two runners were flying down the hill, one of them I recognized, was Rob Krar, two time ultra runner of the year, the number one or two runner in the world, he lives in Flagstaff, so this is pretty much his back yard, as they flew by, they both waved and nodded, probably extremely impressed with me running up that hill, nooooooooooot, when I dream of running fast, I am not running as fast as they were, it was pretty dam impressive. Rob has this awesome beard, see picture, I think it gives him an unfair advantage, I would say about 37.6% ,would be my best guess, it kind of acts like a bulbous bow on a ship, in this case cutting the wind resistance down, making it easier for him to run, its comparable to blood doping, the advantage he gets with that beard, if he was to shave his beard, and I was to grow a beard like his, and I was running down hill, and he was running uphill, I think I could kick his ass, that would be nooooooooooot again.
Finally got to Phantom Ranch, looking forward to my Snicker bar and the best dam lemon aid in the world, they had the lemon aid, but to my surprise they were all out of Snicker bars, I guess all the Massholes and Assholes snatched them up, had to settle for some Oreo cookies, not that there is anything wrong with Oreos, but without milk, it is just not right. So I took a five to ten minute break, sipping my lemon aid and eating my Oreos, then headed back the ten miles to the South Rim, I knew not having that Snicker bar I would not be myself, not the Marsha Brady I usually am, just before getting back to Indian Gardens, Marsha totally left me, I hit the wall, boinking, whatever you want to call it, this has only happened to me once before, at the Boston Marathon, the last two or three miles, maybe it is a Masshole thing.
Took a short break at Indian Gardens, and headed up the 3000 switchbacks, to the South Rim, or at least it seems like that when your hurting. As you get closer to the rim, a number of things happen, about three quarters of a mile from the rim you start seeing 15 to 17 year old girls, all blond, skinny, braces ,high top converse, from Redondo Beach Ca. starring at there I phones, not looking at the trail at all, you have to think every now and then, one of them just walks right over the edge of the canyon, falling a 1000 feet bouncing off of rocks and trees and finally settling down on a ledge below, this would be tragic, that I phone would more then likely be smashed, unless it had one of those bombproof cases, in that case it might be worth while for a search and rescue to get it back.
Just past the Redondo Beach girls, there was a family of Amish people ,not sure what they were doing there, maybe the Amish Mafia kicked them all out of Lancaster Pa. and they have settled in Las Vegas or maybe LA, there was a little, maybe 4 year old girl,50 feet or so in front of her family, wearing the long dress down to her ankles, and the scarf thing on her head, cute as can be, as I walked by, she stopped and smiled and said hi, I did the same, it made my day, as I walked by her mom, a much larger, older, meaner, version of the little girl, she gave me a brutal stare.
Within a half mile of the South Rim, a blind person could find there way, by smell alone, there all wearing perfume and cologne.
You know you are less then a quarter mile of the rim, when you stop hearing the English language ,and you start hearing the Chinese language you have made it, I think between the cologne ,perfume, and Chinese people, this makes an effective safety net for blind people
If I have offended anyone, anyone at all, I will apologize at this time, not in any particular order.

1) The state of Arizona
2) Anyone who has driven thru the state of Arizona
3) Trans Gender doctors
4) Women who talk too much
5) Rob Krar,s beard
6) Oreo cookies
7) Marsha Brady
8) Snicker Bars
9) The fine people of Boston (Massholes)
10) The fine people of Durango (Assholes)
11) Mexican people
12) Chinese people
13) I phones
14) 15 year old girls from Redondo Beach
15) Lancaster Pa.
16) Amish Mafia
17) Amish people
18) People who wear to much perfume
19) MICKEY MOUSE
20) DONALD DUCK

The END
021024

LUNCH

LUNCH

I RECYCLE

I RECYCLE

009

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